Intimate relationships (Rowland S. Miller, 8th edition)
Chapter 1: Building blocks of relationships
Intimate relationships: Relationships with friends and lovers. Intimate relationships differ from more
casual associations in at least 7 specific ways:
1. Knowledge; intimate partners have extensive personal, often confidential, knowledge about
each other
2. Independence; lives of intimate partners are intertwined what each partner does affects
what the other partner wants to do and can do. Independence (=extent to which they need
and influence each other) is frequent, strong, diverse and enduring.
3. Caring; intimate partners care about each other, they feel more affection for one another
than they do for most others.
4. Trust; intimate partners trust one another, expecting to be treated fairly and honorably.
5. Responsiveness; intimacy increases when people believe that their partners understand,
respect and appreciate them, being attentively and effectively responsive to their needs and
concerned for their welfare.
6. Mutuality; they often think of themselves as ‘us’ instead of ‘me’ and him/her.
7. Commitment; the partners are ordinarily committed to their relationships. They expect their
partnership to continue indefinitely and they invest time, effort and resources that are
needed to realize that goal.
Need to belong We need frequent, pleasant interactions with intimate partners in lasting,
caring relationships if we are to function normally if the need is not met, a
variety of problems follows. In order to fulfill the need, we are driven to
establish and maintain close relationships with others. We only need a few
close relationships; when the need to belong is satiated, our drive to form
additional relationships is reduced. It also doesn’t matter much who our
partners are, as long as they provide us stable affection and acceptance, our
need can be satisfied.
In general, people live happier, healthier, longer lives when they are closely connected to others. Our
mental and physical health is also affected by the quality of our connections to others. A lack of
intimacy can both cause problems and make them worse. Our well-being seems to depend on how
well we satisfy the need to belong.
Evolutionary: the need to belong evolved to become a natural tendency in all humans. Humans lived
in small tribal groups in a difficult environment. People who were loners were less likely to have
children and grow to maturity and reprocure. A tendency to form stable connections to others was
evolutionary adaptive.
Cultural: the chancing cultures provide norms that govern our intimate relationships. Cultural
standards provide a foundation for our relationships; they shape our expectations and define the
patterns we think to be normal.
- Fewer people marry
- People are waiting longer to marry
- People routinely live together even when they are not married
- People often have babies when they are not married
- About one-half of all marriages end in divorce
- Most preschool children have mothers who work outside the home
, Singlism Prejudice and discrimination against those who remain single.
Sources of change in cultures;
- Economics
- Individualism
- Technology (reproductive/communication)
Technoference Frequent interruptions of interactions caused by technological devices.
Phubbing Occurs when one partner snubs another by focusing on a phone.
Sex ratio Number of man for every 100 women in a specific population.
- Sex ratio high; more men than women. Traditional, old-fashioned
roles for men and women. Sexually conservative.
- Sex ratio low; fewer man than women. Less traditional and more
permissive. Women seek high-paying careers.
Attachment styles (Bowlby);
- Secure= happily bonded with others and relied on them comfortably.
- Anxious-ambivalent= care was unpredictable and inconsistent. Children are nervous and
clingy and very needy in their relationships
- Avoidant= rejective/hostile caregivers. Children learned that little good came from
depending on others, therefore withdrawing from others. They are suspicious and angry at
others and don’t form trusting, close relations.
Early interpersonal experiences shape the course of one’s subsequent relationships.
Bartholomew: four general categories of attachment
style:
1. Secure
2. Preoccupied (new name for anxious
ambivalence). Nervously depend on others’
approval to feel good about themselves.
3. Fearful; avoid intimacy with others because of
their fear of rejection. They want others to like
them but are worried about relying on others.
4. Dismissing; intimacy with others is not worth it.
They reject interdependency because they feel
self-sufficient.
Psychological sex differences;
- Some differences are real but quite small
- The range of behavior and opinions among members of a given sex is always huge compared
to the average difference between the sexes
- The overlap in behavior and opinions is so large that many members of one sex will always
score higher than the average member of the other sex
- People differ among themselves whether they are male or female and these variations are
usually much more consequential than sex differences are
Sex differences Biological distinctions between men and women that spring naturally from
their physical natures.
Gender differences Social and psychological distinctions that are created by our cultures and
Chapter 1: Building blocks of relationships
Intimate relationships: Relationships with friends and lovers. Intimate relationships differ from more
casual associations in at least 7 specific ways:
1. Knowledge; intimate partners have extensive personal, often confidential, knowledge about
each other
2. Independence; lives of intimate partners are intertwined what each partner does affects
what the other partner wants to do and can do. Independence (=extent to which they need
and influence each other) is frequent, strong, diverse and enduring.
3. Caring; intimate partners care about each other, they feel more affection for one another
than they do for most others.
4. Trust; intimate partners trust one another, expecting to be treated fairly and honorably.
5. Responsiveness; intimacy increases when people believe that their partners understand,
respect and appreciate them, being attentively and effectively responsive to their needs and
concerned for their welfare.
6. Mutuality; they often think of themselves as ‘us’ instead of ‘me’ and him/her.
7. Commitment; the partners are ordinarily committed to their relationships. They expect their
partnership to continue indefinitely and they invest time, effort and resources that are
needed to realize that goal.
Need to belong We need frequent, pleasant interactions with intimate partners in lasting,
caring relationships if we are to function normally if the need is not met, a
variety of problems follows. In order to fulfill the need, we are driven to
establish and maintain close relationships with others. We only need a few
close relationships; when the need to belong is satiated, our drive to form
additional relationships is reduced. It also doesn’t matter much who our
partners are, as long as they provide us stable affection and acceptance, our
need can be satisfied.
In general, people live happier, healthier, longer lives when they are closely connected to others. Our
mental and physical health is also affected by the quality of our connections to others. A lack of
intimacy can both cause problems and make them worse. Our well-being seems to depend on how
well we satisfy the need to belong.
Evolutionary: the need to belong evolved to become a natural tendency in all humans. Humans lived
in small tribal groups in a difficult environment. People who were loners were less likely to have
children and grow to maturity and reprocure. A tendency to form stable connections to others was
evolutionary adaptive.
Cultural: the chancing cultures provide norms that govern our intimate relationships. Cultural
standards provide a foundation for our relationships; they shape our expectations and define the
patterns we think to be normal.
- Fewer people marry
- People are waiting longer to marry
- People routinely live together even when they are not married
- People often have babies when they are not married
- About one-half of all marriages end in divorce
- Most preschool children have mothers who work outside the home
, Singlism Prejudice and discrimination against those who remain single.
Sources of change in cultures;
- Economics
- Individualism
- Technology (reproductive/communication)
Technoference Frequent interruptions of interactions caused by technological devices.
Phubbing Occurs when one partner snubs another by focusing on a phone.
Sex ratio Number of man for every 100 women in a specific population.
- Sex ratio high; more men than women. Traditional, old-fashioned
roles for men and women. Sexually conservative.
- Sex ratio low; fewer man than women. Less traditional and more
permissive. Women seek high-paying careers.
Attachment styles (Bowlby);
- Secure= happily bonded with others and relied on them comfortably.
- Anxious-ambivalent= care was unpredictable and inconsistent. Children are nervous and
clingy and very needy in their relationships
- Avoidant= rejective/hostile caregivers. Children learned that little good came from
depending on others, therefore withdrawing from others. They are suspicious and angry at
others and don’t form trusting, close relations.
Early interpersonal experiences shape the course of one’s subsequent relationships.
Bartholomew: four general categories of attachment
style:
1. Secure
2. Preoccupied (new name for anxious
ambivalence). Nervously depend on others’
approval to feel good about themselves.
3. Fearful; avoid intimacy with others because of
their fear of rejection. They want others to like
them but are worried about relying on others.
4. Dismissing; intimacy with others is not worth it.
They reject interdependency because they feel
self-sufficient.
Psychological sex differences;
- Some differences are real but quite small
- The range of behavior and opinions among members of a given sex is always huge compared
to the average difference between the sexes
- The overlap in behavior and opinions is so large that many members of one sex will always
score higher than the average member of the other sex
- People differ among themselves whether they are male or female and these variations are
usually much more consequential than sex differences are
Sex differences Biological distinctions between men and women that spring naturally from
their physical natures.
Gender differences Social and psychological distinctions that are created by our cultures and
