Chapter 10: Attraction and exclusion p. 325
Contents
The need to belong................................................................................................................................2
Belongingness as a basic need...........................................................................................................2
Two ingredients to belongingness.....................................................................................................2
Not belonging is bad for you..............................................................................................................2
Best friends, lovers, and ….................................................................................................................3
Attraction: who likes whom?.................................................................................................................3
Similarity, complementarity, oppositeness........................................................................................4
Social rewards: you make me feel good............................................................................................4
Tit for tat: reciprocity and liking.........................................................................................................4
You again: mere exposure.................................................................................................................5
Looking good.....................................................................................................................................5
Rejection................................................................................................................................................5
Effects of rejection: inner reactions...................................................................................................6
Behavioral effects of rejection...........................................................................................................6
Loneliness..........................................................................................................................................7
What leads to social rejection?..........................................................................................................7
Romantic rejection and unrequited love...........................................................................................8
Attraction – anything that draws two or more people together, making them want to be
together and possibly to form a lasting relationship
, Social acceptance – a situation in which other people have come to like you, respect you,
approve of you, and include you in their groups and relationships
- Result of attraction
- All kinds of social animals seek acceptance
Rejection (social exclusion) – being prevented by others from forming or keeping a social
bond with them; the opposite of acceptance
The need to belong
In order to survive and reproduce, social acceptance and formation of relationships are
necessary.
Belongingness as a basic need
People don’t strive for belongingness (just) to reach reproduction and survival; instead they
naturally follow a powerful drive within the human psyche.
People have an inner drive for formations of social networks to enjoy the benefits of culture by
putting people first, such as getting food and shelter through others.
All people need human social contact. Full deprivation of interpersonal contact is extremely
stressful for everyone. Even loners and people with social anxiety seek some form of
interaction; possibly with very few people, or indirect (e.g. through the internet).
Need to belong – the desire to form and maintain close, lasting relationships with other
individuals
- Makes people reluctant to live alone, create relationships and even maintain social
bonds when there’s no real purpose
- Makes people even stay together in bad relationships (such as abusive ones)
Shows that people are wired to connect, and not to separate.
Two ingredients to belongingness
1. Seeking regular social contacts
- These contacts do need to be neutral, or preferably positive; negative social
contacts don’t satisfy
2. Seeking a stable framework of some ongoing relationship with mutual concern for each
other
Both of these are needed for satisfaction of belongingness. However, one without the other is
still better than none at all.
People don’t endlessly seek new friends: on average, people are satisfied with 4-6 friendships
(which satisfy the conditions named above). Having a few close friends is more important than
having lots of casual friends.
Not belonging is bad for you
Consequences of failure to satisfy the need to belong:
- Significant health problems (both physically and mentally)
Contents
The need to belong................................................................................................................................2
Belongingness as a basic need...........................................................................................................2
Two ingredients to belongingness.....................................................................................................2
Not belonging is bad for you..............................................................................................................2
Best friends, lovers, and ….................................................................................................................3
Attraction: who likes whom?.................................................................................................................3
Similarity, complementarity, oppositeness........................................................................................4
Social rewards: you make me feel good............................................................................................4
Tit for tat: reciprocity and liking.........................................................................................................4
You again: mere exposure.................................................................................................................5
Looking good.....................................................................................................................................5
Rejection................................................................................................................................................5
Effects of rejection: inner reactions...................................................................................................6
Behavioral effects of rejection...........................................................................................................6
Loneliness..........................................................................................................................................7
What leads to social rejection?..........................................................................................................7
Romantic rejection and unrequited love...........................................................................................8
Attraction – anything that draws two or more people together, making them want to be
together and possibly to form a lasting relationship
, Social acceptance – a situation in which other people have come to like you, respect you,
approve of you, and include you in their groups and relationships
- Result of attraction
- All kinds of social animals seek acceptance
Rejection (social exclusion) – being prevented by others from forming or keeping a social
bond with them; the opposite of acceptance
The need to belong
In order to survive and reproduce, social acceptance and formation of relationships are
necessary.
Belongingness as a basic need
People don’t strive for belongingness (just) to reach reproduction and survival; instead they
naturally follow a powerful drive within the human psyche.
People have an inner drive for formations of social networks to enjoy the benefits of culture by
putting people first, such as getting food and shelter through others.
All people need human social contact. Full deprivation of interpersonal contact is extremely
stressful for everyone. Even loners and people with social anxiety seek some form of
interaction; possibly with very few people, or indirect (e.g. through the internet).
Need to belong – the desire to form and maintain close, lasting relationships with other
individuals
- Makes people reluctant to live alone, create relationships and even maintain social
bonds when there’s no real purpose
- Makes people even stay together in bad relationships (such as abusive ones)
Shows that people are wired to connect, and not to separate.
Two ingredients to belongingness
1. Seeking regular social contacts
- These contacts do need to be neutral, or preferably positive; negative social
contacts don’t satisfy
2. Seeking a stable framework of some ongoing relationship with mutual concern for each
other
Both of these are needed for satisfaction of belongingness. However, one without the other is
still better than none at all.
People don’t endlessly seek new friends: on average, people are satisfied with 4-6 friendships
(which satisfy the conditions named above). Having a few close friends is more important than
having lots of casual friends.
Not belonging is bad for you
Consequences of failure to satisfy the need to belong:
- Significant health problems (both physically and mentally)
