Ch10 Stresses and Strains
Relational evaluation: degrees of acceptance and rejection (max i, active i, passive i,
ambivalence, passive e, active e, max e)
Less perceived relational value than we want = stresses and strains
Acceptance from others = increased self-esteem
Ostracism: intentionally ignored, physical pain, same level as hostility, do to achieve some goal
in relationship, those w high self esteem don’t put up with it, relational devaluation = hurt
feelings
Jealousy: reactive vs suspicious, proneness (dependence, feeling of inadequacy, preoccupied
attachment style, high neuroticism, desire for sexual exclusivity, traditional gender roles),
sex/love focus gender dif. - rival w high mate value and attractive to our partners = threat
Coping w/ Jealousy: maintain self-worth if reduce unwanted jealousy, w/ or w/o partner
Mate poaching (advertise success/beauty)
Deception & Lying: couples lies ⅓ of conversations, lied to about 200 times a day, truth bias
Deceiver’s distrust: liar perceive others as untrustworthy
Betrayal: men more likely to betray business partner & romantic partner, women more likely to
betray friends & family; 2 sides to every betrayal
Frequent betrayers: unhappy, maladjusted, resentful, vengeful, suspicious people
coping - acknowledge, consider it opportunity for growth, rely on support
Forgiveness: more readily when offender apologize and victim able to empathize and want
relationship, offender repentant = forgiveness improves relationship; forgiver benefit
, Ch11 Conflict
Comments - conflicts: need to be right, negative criticism, passing judgment, threats,
interrogating, emotional outbursts, indifference
Interpersonal conflicts: difference in motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behavior
Dialectical tension between (dialectics): 1. personal autonomy vs close connection to others, 2.
openness vs closeness, 3. stability vs change, 4. integration with vs separation from a social
network - all strive for delicate balance
Frequency of conflict depend on: personality, attachment style, stage of life, stress, similarity,
sleep, alcohol
Top causes of conflicts: criticism, illegitimate demands, rebuffs, cumulative annoyances
Social allergies: more irritation to repetition of annoyances
Attributions: different explanations, misunderstanding, fundamental attribution error - influence
degree of distress and how angrily they respond - fighting over right explanation
General model of conflict: beginning (avoidance, negotiation, escalation), midst (action to
challenge - accusations, hostile comments/threats, antagonistic questions, surly/sarcastic put
downs; indirect actions - condensation, dysphoric affect, evasion)
Behaviors: negative affect reciprocity, emotional flooding, demand/withdraw pattern, social
structure hypothesis (power difference)
Negotiations: direct (offering concessions, active listening, providing approval and affection),
indirect (using friendly, non-sarcastic humor); attentive, optimistic, valuing partner’s outcomes,
adopting a future oriented, and third party perspective
Accommodation: partners react with calm forbearance to the other’s provocation.
Typology of responses: Exit, Neglect, Voice, Loyalty
4 types of couples in conflicts: Volatiles, Validators, Avoiders, Hostiles
Outcomes in conflicts: 1. Domination, 2. Separation 3. Structural improvement 4. Integrative
agreements, 5. Compromise
Relational evaluation: degrees of acceptance and rejection (max i, active i, passive i,
ambivalence, passive e, active e, max e)
Less perceived relational value than we want = stresses and strains
Acceptance from others = increased self-esteem
Ostracism: intentionally ignored, physical pain, same level as hostility, do to achieve some goal
in relationship, those w high self esteem don’t put up with it, relational devaluation = hurt
feelings
Jealousy: reactive vs suspicious, proneness (dependence, feeling of inadequacy, preoccupied
attachment style, high neuroticism, desire for sexual exclusivity, traditional gender roles),
sex/love focus gender dif. - rival w high mate value and attractive to our partners = threat
Coping w/ Jealousy: maintain self-worth if reduce unwanted jealousy, w/ or w/o partner
Mate poaching (advertise success/beauty)
Deception & Lying: couples lies ⅓ of conversations, lied to about 200 times a day, truth bias
Deceiver’s distrust: liar perceive others as untrustworthy
Betrayal: men more likely to betray business partner & romantic partner, women more likely to
betray friends & family; 2 sides to every betrayal
Frequent betrayers: unhappy, maladjusted, resentful, vengeful, suspicious people
coping - acknowledge, consider it opportunity for growth, rely on support
Forgiveness: more readily when offender apologize and victim able to empathize and want
relationship, offender repentant = forgiveness improves relationship; forgiver benefit
, Ch11 Conflict
Comments - conflicts: need to be right, negative criticism, passing judgment, threats,
interrogating, emotional outbursts, indifference
Interpersonal conflicts: difference in motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behavior
Dialectical tension between (dialectics): 1. personal autonomy vs close connection to others, 2.
openness vs closeness, 3. stability vs change, 4. integration with vs separation from a social
network - all strive for delicate balance
Frequency of conflict depend on: personality, attachment style, stage of life, stress, similarity,
sleep, alcohol
Top causes of conflicts: criticism, illegitimate demands, rebuffs, cumulative annoyances
Social allergies: more irritation to repetition of annoyances
Attributions: different explanations, misunderstanding, fundamental attribution error - influence
degree of distress and how angrily they respond - fighting over right explanation
General model of conflict: beginning (avoidance, negotiation, escalation), midst (action to
challenge - accusations, hostile comments/threats, antagonistic questions, surly/sarcastic put
downs; indirect actions - condensation, dysphoric affect, evasion)
Behaviors: negative affect reciprocity, emotional flooding, demand/withdraw pattern, social
structure hypothesis (power difference)
Negotiations: direct (offering concessions, active listening, providing approval and affection),
indirect (using friendly, non-sarcastic humor); attentive, optimistic, valuing partner’s outcomes,
adopting a future oriented, and third party perspective
Accommodation: partners react with calm forbearance to the other’s provocation.
Typology of responses: Exit, Neglect, Voice, Loyalty
4 types of couples in conflicts: Volatiles, Validators, Avoiders, Hostiles
Outcomes in conflicts: 1. Domination, 2. Separation 3. Structural improvement 4. Integrative
agreements, 5. Compromise
