Theme ONE – Understanding couples
Intimacy involves: love, affection and caring, deep attachment to another person.
The TRIPOD of couple relationships
An intimate relationship consists of three factors that form a tripod on which the
relationship rests.
1. Passionate attraction (PA)
2. Mutual expectations (ME)
3. Personal intentions (PI)
Passionate attractions (PA)
→ Individual experiences intensely pleasurable sensations when thinking about
or being with a new partner.
→ Blushing, trembling, breathlessness, high sexual desire
→ Referred to as infatuation = passing love “a foolish and unreasoning
love’
→ Infatuation is not a realistic / accurate appraisal of the relationship /
idealisation
→ Negative / flaws in the idealised beloved may be intellectually recognised, but
disregarded as endearingly special. Person chooses to ignore the negatives
→ Normal phase in the process of relationships
→ Infatuation can lead to a lasting relationship – but it mostly fades away and
relationship based on infatuation alone will fail.
Love
→ Involves physical attraction - deeper
→ Love encompasses PA, ME and PI
→ People rely mostly on life experiences to guide them to their own unique way
of demonstrating love.
→ Eric Fromm “love is active concern for the life and growth of the person we
love”
→ Love is deep, unselfish, caring, deep respect
Hauck’s basic principles about love
It is not just the person you love, but rather what he/she does for you -
actions speak louder than verbal promises of love and devotion.
Just like any business relationship, you have to invest in the relationship so as
to benefit from its rewards - love requires a reciprocal investment from both
parties
Love is like a business partnership – it needs management - rules to ensure it
remains mutually satisfying
The goal in the relationship is to be reasonably content.
Mutual Expectations (ME)
→ Passionate attractions create a group of mutual expectations.
→ People are surrounded by their own personal worlds of meaning and if they
want their relationship to survive, they have to explicitly state what they
, want and need. If they do not do this, their relationship will not progress
beyond the passionate attraction stage.
Myths: common expectations
→ A partner should demonstrate sympathy to the person whenever he/ she is
upset
→ A partner should always be willing to express innermost thoughts and
feelings at all times
→ A partner should be loyal by automatically siding with the person when
they’ve been in an argument with others.
→ A partner should always want do to things with the person, devoting time and
attention to the relationship
→ A partner should choose the person above all others at all times.
→ A partner should allow the person to continue to take part in all the activities
that he/she was involved in before the relationship began.
Introjected expectations bought from family of origin, society and media are
unrealistic myths.
Expectations about roles and responsibilities
→ Traditionally- culture defined, prescribed and allocated non-negotiable rules
and duties, often according to gender.
→ Today – more egalitarian relationships exist.
Expectations about life events
Personal Intentions (PI)
→ The converse of expectations
→ Individuals decisions – both deliberate and unconscious, about how he/she
should behave as a loving partner
→ Consider the way your partner wants to be loved
Individual differences and their impact on the couple relationship
Couples enter a relationship with a set of expectations based largely on their past
experiences, and further determined by gender and ethnic differences.
Gender Differences
Similarities
→ Both have fundamental needs of self-esteem, survival, intimacy and growth
→ Both need the sense of having some control over their lives
→ Both need to achieve, and have recreation
→ The ways in which they translate or express those needs and attempt to full
them differs
Physiological differences
→ Socialisation exaggerates gender differences even further
→ Conflict situations – woman self-soothe and males become more aroused and
aggressive (testosterone)
→ When in a negative relationship, men withdraw and women become more
demanding and complaining.
,Differences in communication styles and patterns of emotional expression
→ Woman – use more qualifiers, emotive, better at interpreting verbal and non-
verbal behaviour , more attentive.
→ Men – more factual, less revealing, more competitive
Perceptions of rules/roles for the relationship
→ Stereotypical views which are misleading
→ Men are expected to be strong, independent, successful, aggressive
→ Woman – gentle, dependent for support and protection, nurturing, emotional,
submissive.
→ Traditional sex roles influence people’s behaviour and expectations in a
relationship
→ 4 main reasons for the difference in sex role expectations: (and cause the
marginalising of woman)
- Differences in socialisation
- Differences in legal and economic status and power
- Differences in childbirth and parenting
- Differences in sexuality
Helper needs to focus on helping the couple understand how gender relates to their
stresses
The effects of ethnicity and culture
Bloom: Culture is an “integrated pattern of communication among people with a
common history, language, and place that results in common values, behaviour
patterns and expectations that are transmitted across generations”
McGoldrick: Ethnicity “a religion and culture history whether or not members realise
their commonalities with each other. It describes a commonality transmitted by the
family over generations and reinforced by the surrounding community”
Culture and ethnicity manifest in language, faith, race, national and geographic
origin, family formation
An individual’s sense of self is implicitly intertwined with his/her cultural beliefs and
sense of belonging to an ethnic group
Schematic comparison of the Western and African Views of the person and
worldviews
Western view of the Versus African view of the
person and the person and the
worldview worldview
Individuality Groupness
Uniqueness Psycho-behavioural Sameness
modalities
Differences Commonality
Competition Co-operation
Individual rights Values and Customs Collective responsibility
, Separateness and Co-operation and
Independence interdependence
Survival of the fittest Ethos Survival of the tribe
Control over Nature One with nature
Definition of a family
Western / Anglo descent – family is mother, father, child with little reference to
extended family. Privacy and independence from family of origin highly prized.
African descent – family includes extended family, and are responsible for each
other with permeable boundaries between them. Little or no privacy from their
relatives.
Ancestral spirits are important part of the family and illness and misfortune are seen
as indicators of ancestral displeasure
Indian family – eldest son expected to remain in the family home when he weds.
Bride joins his family, with a subordinate position to the mother in law who has
much say over their lives.
Formation of values
→ Cultural beliefs, expectations and practices shape the individual’s values and
guide personal behaviour.
Culture and family life cycle transitions
→ Dating, courtship, marriage, child rearing and retirement may be strongly
influenced by the early cultural messages each partner received from their
family of origin.
→ Hindu/Muslim – early age proposal
→ African – young adult encouraged to stay at home till married
→ White – encourage independence
Cultural practices change with time
→ Divorce become a common practice
→ Living together before marriage
→ Same sex couples legalised
→ Equality and choice central themes in modern relationships
Cross cultural unions
→ Interethnic unions stressful due to different expectations / backgrounds
→ Better to assume each family has its own culture
→ Cultural differenced (being out spoken vs. quiet) will cause stress
Becoming a couple
Six characteristics
1. The couple relationship is voluntary and both parties realise that the
relationship is their choice.
2. The couple relationship depends upon a balance of stability (from sense of
predictability) and growth (of opportunities, spontaneity and flexibility)
Intimacy involves: love, affection and caring, deep attachment to another person.
The TRIPOD of couple relationships
An intimate relationship consists of three factors that form a tripod on which the
relationship rests.
1. Passionate attraction (PA)
2. Mutual expectations (ME)
3. Personal intentions (PI)
Passionate attractions (PA)
→ Individual experiences intensely pleasurable sensations when thinking about
or being with a new partner.
→ Blushing, trembling, breathlessness, high sexual desire
→ Referred to as infatuation = passing love “a foolish and unreasoning
love’
→ Infatuation is not a realistic / accurate appraisal of the relationship /
idealisation
→ Negative / flaws in the idealised beloved may be intellectually recognised, but
disregarded as endearingly special. Person chooses to ignore the negatives
→ Normal phase in the process of relationships
→ Infatuation can lead to a lasting relationship – but it mostly fades away and
relationship based on infatuation alone will fail.
Love
→ Involves physical attraction - deeper
→ Love encompasses PA, ME and PI
→ People rely mostly on life experiences to guide them to their own unique way
of demonstrating love.
→ Eric Fromm “love is active concern for the life and growth of the person we
love”
→ Love is deep, unselfish, caring, deep respect
Hauck’s basic principles about love
It is not just the person you love, but rather what he/she does for you -
actions speak louder than verbal promises of love and devotion.
Just like any business relationship, you have to invest in the relationship so as
to benefit from its rewards - love requires a reciprocal investment from both
parties
Love is like a business partnership – it needs management - rules to ensure it
remains mutually satisfying
The goal in the relationship is to be reasonably content.
Mutual Expectations (ME)
→ Passionate attractions create a group of mutual expectations.
→ People are surrounded by their own personal worlds of meaning and if they
want their relationship to survive, they have to explicitly state what they
, want and need. If they do not do this, their relationship will not progress
beyond the passionate attraction stage.
Myths: common expectations
→ A partner should demonstrate sympathy to the person whenever he/ she is
upset
→ A partner should always be willing to express innermost thoughts and
feelings at all times
→ A partner should be loyal by automatically siding with the person when
they’ve been in an argument with others.
→ A partner should always want do to things with the person, devoting time and
attention to the relationship
→ A partner should choose the person above all others at all times.
→ A partner should allow the person to continue to take part in all the activities
that he/she was involved in before the relationship began.
Introjected expectations bought from family of origin, society and media are
unrealistic myths.
Expectations about roles and responsibilities
→ Traditionally- culture defined, prescribed and allocated non-negotiable rules
and duties, often according to gender.
→ Today – more egalitarian relationships exist.
Expectations about life events
Personal Intentions (PI)
→ The converse of expectations
→ Individuals decisions – both deliberate and unconscious, about how he/she
should behave as a loving partner
→ Consider the way your partner wants to be loved
Individual differences and their impact on the couple relationship
Couples enter a relationship with a set of expectations based largely on their past
experiences, and further determined by gender and ethnic differences.
Gender Differences
Similarities
→ Both have fundamental needs of self-esteem, survival, intimacy and growth
→ Both need the sense of having some control over their lives
→ Both need to achieve, and have recreation
→ The ways in which they translate or express those needs and attempt to full
them differs
Physiological differences
→ Socialisation exaggerates gender differences even further
→ Conflict situations – woman self-soothe and males become more aroused and
aggressive (testosterone)
→ When in a negative relationship, men withdraw and women become more
demanding and complaining.
,Differences in communication styles and patterns of emotional expression
→ Woman – use more qualifiers, emotive, better at interpreting verbal and non-
verbal behaviour , more attentive.
→ Men – more factual, less revealing, more competitive
Perceptions of rules/roles for the relationship
→ Stereotypical views which are misleading
→ Men are expected to be strong, independent, successful, aggressive
→ Woman – gentle, dependent for support and protection, nurturing, emotional,
submissive.
→ Traditional sex roles influence people’s behaviour and expectations in a
relationship
→ 4 main reasons for the difference in sex role expectations: (and cause the
marginalising of woman)
- Differences in socialisation
- Differences in legal and economic status and power
- Differences in childbirth and parenting
- Differences in sexuality
Helper needs to focus on helping the couple understand how gender relates to their
stresses
The effects of ethnicity and culture
Bloom: Culture is an “integrated pattern of communication among people with a
common history, language, and place that results in common values, behaviour
patterns and expectations that are transmitted across generations”
McGoldrick: Ethnicity “a religion and culture history whether or not members realise
their commonalities with each other. It describes a commonality transmitted by the
family over generations and reinforced by the surrounding community”
Culture and ethnicity manifest in language, faith, race, national and geographic
origin, family formation
An individual’s sense of self is implicitly intertwined with his/her cultural beliefs and
sense of belonging to an ethnic group
Schematic comparison of the Western and African Views of the person and
worldviews
Western view of the Versus African view of the
person and the person and the
worldview worldview
Individuality Groupness
Uniqueness Psycho-behavioural Sameness
modalities
Differences Commonality
Competition Co-operation
Individual rights Values and Customs Collective responsibility
, Separateness and Co-operation and
Independence interdependence
Survival of the fittest Ethos Survival of the tribe
Control over Nature One with nature
Definition of a family
Western / Anglo descent – family is mother, father, child with little reference to
extended family. Privacy and independence from family of origin highly prized.
African descent – family includes extended family, and are responsible for each
other with permeable boundaries between them. Little or no privacy from their
relatives.
Ancestral spirits are important part of the family and illness and misfortune are seen
as indicators of ancestral displeasure
Indian family – eldest son expected to remain in the family home when he weds.
Bride joins his family, with a subordinate position to the mother in law who has
much say over their lives.
Formation of values
→ Cultural beliefs, expectations and practices shape the individual’s values and
guide personal behaviour.
Culture and family life cycle transitions
→ Dating, courtship, marriage, child rearing and retirement may be strongly
influenced by the early cultural messages each partner received from their
family of origin.
→ Hindu/Muslim – early age proposal
→ African – young adult encouraged to stay at home till married
→ White – encourage independence
Cultural practices change with time
→ Divorce become a common practice
→ Living together before marriage
→ Same sex couples legalised
→ Equality and choice central themes in modern relationships
Cross cultural unions
→ Interethnic unions stressful due to different expectations / backgrounds
→ Better to assume each family has its own culture
→ Cultural differenced (being out spoken vs. quiet) will cause stress
Becoming a couple
Six characteristics
1. The couple relationship is voluntary and both parties realise that the
relationship is their choice.
2. The couple relationship depends upon a balance of stability (from sense of
predictability) and growth (of opportunities, spontaneity and flexibility)
