CHAPTER
12
CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS: PASSION, INTIMACY AND
SEXUALITY
WHAT IS LOVE?
It is investment in the well-being of the other for his/her own sake
- Caring for the other person regardless of one’s personal gain may thus be a
defining aspect of love in general.
PASSION AND COMPASSONATE LOVE
An important distinction between two many kinds of love has emerged:
1. Passion (romantic love): strong feelings of longing, desire and excitement toward a
special person.
Passion makes people want to spend as much time together as possible, to touch
each other and engage in other physical intimacies (sex), to think about each other
and feel
o joy upon seeing each other, and to exhibit other patterns that
suggest strong emotions.
2. Compassion (affectionate love): mutual understanding and caring to make the
relationship succeed.
o Is less strongly emotional, and tends to be calmer and more
secure.
o Compassionate love means perceiving the other person as your
soul mate or special partner. It signifies a high level of mutual
understanding and in many cases a commitment to make the
relationship succeed.
,There is a physiological and biochemical difference between the 2 kinds of love:
Phenylethylamine (PEA):
People who feel passionately in love have high levels of PEA, a
neurotransmitter that enables information to travel from one bran cell
to another.
o This chemical reaction produces strong emotional feelings:
‘tingling’ sensations of excitement and euphoria wen the person
you love walks into the room or holds your hand. It also helps
produce high intensity and frequency of sexual desire.
In many cases, Compassionate love doesn’t seem to be characterized
by elevated levels of PEA.
LOVE AND CULTURE
Some authorities have argued that romantic love is a cultural construction, basing
this idea on events and themes that have emerged in the Western society
William Jankowiak: anthropologist who concluded that romantic love is found
everywhere.
o The forms and expression of romantic passion vary significantly
o The culture’s attitude toward passionate love also varies
significantly.
Passionate love therefore, may be found among humans everywhere, but how they
experience it and how they regard it may depend on their culture
People are connected to their cultural system, and the system can influence
how they love.
LOVE ACROSS TIME
Compassionate love may be harder to create than passionate love, which often
arises spontaneously and without people trying to fall in love. 1
It takes sustained work and effort to build trust, intimacy and other foundations of
compassionate love.
Passionate love may be the most effective emotion for starting a relationship;
compassionate love may be the most effective emotion for making it succeed
and survive in the long run.
1
Compassionate love is what makes a good marriage, trustworthy, lasting relationship.
, One reason that people are sceptical about Passionate love as the basis for marriage
is that it tends to be temporary
Most people experience passionate love for a brief period in a relationship ( a
year, two or three at most)
There is general pattern of declining passion
If the relationship continues, it tends to rely more on compassionate love.
A successful, long-term relationship thus depends on making an effective
transition from one kind of love to the other.
The biochemical rush associated with high levels of PEA is thus not destined to be
permanent - It is probably a feature linked to a new love and the forming of a new
relationship bond.
People may mistake this process to mean that they have lost interest in each
other or, that the other person has ceased to love them.
o When passionate love fails to convert into compassionate love,
the story is likely to be one of a wonderful, romantic beginning
followed by a downward spiral of stress, disappointment,
estrangement and ultimate failure.
Fortunately, many people avoid that fate and do have a hay marriage for a long time
or even a lifetime.
STERNBERG’S TRIANGLE
Robert Sternberg: proposed that love is composed of 3 different ingredients (passion, intimacy,
commitment)
12
CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS: PASSION, INTIMACY AND
SEXUALITY
WHAT IS LOVE?
It is investment in the well-being of the other for his/her own sake
- Caring for the other person regardless of one’s personal gain may thus be a
defining aspect of love in general.
PASSION AND COMPASSONATE LOVE
An important distinction between two many kinds of love has emerged:
1. Passion (romantic love): strong feelings of longing, desire and excitement toward a
special person.
Passion makes people want to spend as much time together as possible, to touch
each other and engage in other physical intimacies (sex), to think about each other
and feel
o joy upon seeing each other, and to exhibit other patterns that
suggest strong emotions.
2. Compassion (affectionate love): mutual understanding and caring to make the
relationship succeed.
o Is less strongly emotional, and tends to be calmer and more
secure.
o Compassionate love means perceiving the other person as your
soul mate or special partner. It signifies a high level of mutual
understanding and in many cases a commitment to make the
relationship succeed.
,There is a physiological and biochemical difference between the 2 kinds of love:
Phenylethylamine (PEA):
People who feel passionately in love have high levels of PEA, a
neurotransmitter that enables information to travel from one bran cell
to another.
o This chemical reaction produces strong emotional feelings:
‘tingling’ sensations of excitement and euphoria wen the person
you love walks into the room or holds your hand. It also helps
produce high intensity and frequency of sexual desire.
In many cases, Compassionate love doesn’t seem to be characterized
by elevated levels of PEA.
LOVE AND CULTURE
Some authorities have argued that romantic love is a cultural construction, basing
this idea on events and themes that have emerged in the Western society
William Jankowiak: anthropologist who concluded that romantic love is found
everywhere.
o The forms and expression of romantic passion vary significantly
o The culture’s attitude toward passionate love also varies
significantly.
Passionate love therefore, may be found among humans everywhere, but how they
experience it and how they regard it may depend on their culture
People are connected to their cultural system, and the system can influence
how they love.
LOVE ACROSS TIME
Compassionate love may be harder to create than passionate love, which often
arises spontaneously and without people trying to fall in love. 1
It takes sustained work and effort to build trust, intimacy and other foundations of
compassionate love.
Passionate love may be the most effective emotion for starting a relationship;
compassionate love may be the most effective emotion for making it succeed
and survive in the long run.
1
Compassionate love is what makes a good marriage, trustworthy, lasting relationship.
, One reason that people are sceptical about Passionate love as the basis for marriage
is that it tends to be temporary
Most people experience passionate love for a brief period in a relationship ( a
year, two or three at most)
There is general pattern of declining passion
If the relationship continues, it tends to rely more on compassionate love.
A successful, long-term relationship thus depends on making an effective
transition from one kind of love to the other.
The biochemical rush associated with high levels of PEA is thus not destined to be
permanent - It is probably a feature linked to a new love and the forming of a new
relationship bond.
People may mistake this process to mean that they have lost interest in each
other or, that the other person has ceased to love them.
o When passionate love fails to convert into compassionate love,
the story is likely to be one of a wonderful, romantic beginning
followed by a downward spiral of stress, disappointment,
estrangement and ultimate failure.
Fortunately, many people avoid that fate and do have a hay marriage for a long time
or even a lifetime.
STERNBERG’S TRIANGLE
Robert Sternberg: proposed that love is composed of 3 different ingredients (passion, intimacy,
commitment)
